Every great magazine always has a “How to” section. For those old enough to remember, think back to the movie How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and how Andie (Kate Hudson) was the resident “How to” girl. That’s how relevant “How to’s” are. Or were. Does anyone read magazine anymore? I hope so. The smell of the paper, the feel of the high gloss; magazines were amazing. Regardless, or irregardless if you’re Gretchen Weiner, “How to’s” can be pretty helpful. 

Anyway in my nearly 8 months of parenthood, I have not yet managed to make any new mom friends. I almost made some during swimming, but then I didn’t keep in touch with any of them and well, I’m not sure if they liked me because I can be pretty polarizing.

There was also a period of time when I was in my deep dark hole of postpartum when I didn’t want to make any new friends, but now that I’m out of it, I reek of friendship desperation. What’s that all about?

Don’t get me wrong, I have mom friends, many actually, but we’re all spread out across the GTA, actually, we’re across the province considering I’m from Windsor and one of my best friends lives in Barrie. And, in my town I only have one friend, and she’s kind and fun and amazing, but I can’t force myself and my kid on her every day. As much as I want to.

I’m a social person, who always entertained – my place was always the place people got ready (I always had cheese and dip in the fridge on the ready), but now I spend the majority of my time by myself. Well not by myself, LaLa is here. But she’s a baby, the conversation is not so hot. 

I’ve gotten so desperate for more local mom friends that I’ve started to do some borderline weird things. Alright, they aren’t borderline, they are weird. 

Here are just some of the things I do:

• When I see another mom on a walk down my street (there are so many), I take my baby out too in hopes that we’ll catch each others eyes. Then we’ll talk and then next thing you know, we’ll be on a play date and I’ll have a new friend. Except that often I don’t see them because they already walked by my house, and that if I do get a chance to catch eyes with them and start talking, I’m pretty sure they feel cornered because my eyes are bulging out of my face as I try to look really friendly. I actually noticed one mom walking on the other side of the street today. Awkward. 
• When I see a mom playing with their toddler outside, I will go out of my way to walk by their house and then try to talk to them. These women are like, get away from my home. And I’m like, “oh you live here, I’m going to stop by every day all day.”
• When another mom gets in line at the grocery store, you can bet I get in line too. Then I try to talk to them. As someone who finds it weird when a stranger asks what my baby’s name is, I don’t know why I feel the need to ask them. 

I’m going to stop now, but just know that I use the above tactics at the park, in the mall and anywhere a new mom brings her kid. And let me just tell you that so far, this hasn’t worked at all. I’m still new mom friendless. 

So without further ado, How to NOT Make New Mom Friends: 

1. Talk about your religious and political opinions the first time you meet.
2. Mom shame them in a passive aggressive manner. Something like: “Oh, you’re buying baby food pouches. I make my baby food. Nothing but the best for my girl.” 
3. Tell them that their kid isn’t cute. Even if they aren’t, you gotta lie. Some lies are actually better for the world.
4. Stalk them in the grocery store. (As you can see from my examples, this tactic does not work).
5. Breathe heavily.
6. Take candy from their baby.
7. Also, don’t give their baby candy. 
8. Fake an English accent.
9. Come on strong. If someone does give you the time of day, don’t pull out your paper calendar and pen and try to get them to lock down play dates. Ease up sister. Ease up.
10. Pass out “be my friend cards” at your local park.

And with that, I think that if you all avoid the above, I think you may have a good chance of making a friend. Eventually. One day. Please just tell me how you did it.