This is the new section of The Non-Mom, where instead of providing unsolicited advice, I provide solicited (completely inexperienced) parenting advice. Once again, you’re welcome! Submit your own question at www.facebook.com/jentalkstoomuch

Dear Non-Mom

How can I get my 2 year old to stop ninja chopping my 3 month old? I’m running interference 24/7 and he is stealth.

Carli – Kitchener, Ontario

Hi Carli!

Great question. In order to stop the violence, there are two approaches that you can take (either individually or in tandem). But, before you try this, you must first accept that once someone attains their ninja status, they will always be a ninja. It’s a part of the ninja code.

First approach:

You must immediately start training the baby in the art of ninja. Work on their reflexes, and teach them in the ways of UNAGI.

While some may think that UNAGI is eel used in japanese cuisine, and others (like Rachel Green) may think it’s a salmon skin roll, this is a “real” trick that can be taught to a baby when they are still in the womb. If said baby is in the womb, mimic the image above and and take two fingers and point them towards your belly, slowly twist them as you touch your belly while saying UNAGI very slowly. Or, if your baby is already out, you can take their two fingers to their own head, and say UNAGI three times. By doing this, you will have prepared your baby for any attack.

Second approach:

The second approach is for your ninja toddler. You must introduce the next level of ninja training. The sleeping giant. The sleeping giant is not an attacker, they are there, waiting, ready with their UNAGI (this time I mean eel). This will reduce their need to act out because they are playing with the most disgusting animal on earth. And, it will also teach them to not be the instigator, but to only defend as needed. Then teach them UNAGI.

After that, you need to go through your toddlers room to make sure that they don’t have any rat sensai’s that are teaching them conflicting ninja arts. While you’re at it, look for some pizza eating turtles. And make sure they aren’t associating with anyone who is a member of the Foot Clan.

You could also wrap your toddlers hand in bubble wrap therefore eliminating some of the pain for your baby, but we both know that won’t solve the problem. OR OR OR…I got it – teach your toddler the a reverse ninja chop. This is when instead of hitting down, they hit up. They can’t hurt the air. Air has no feelings. (Sorry air, but you know it’s true).

I truly hope this helps you and that your baby, toddler and yourself become experts in UNAGI.