This is the new section of The Non-Mom, where instead of providing unsolicited advice, I provide solicited (completely inexperienced) parenting advice. Once again, you’re welcome!

Dear Non-Mom,

How do I get my two year old to believe she is in fact a human and not a frog?

Erin, Sharon

Hi Erin, great question. My nephew went through a period where he believed he was a T-Rex. Then he knew he wasn’t a T-Rex, but would become one, and would correct you if you addressed him as Evan when he was a T-Rex. Because get it right aunty, he’s a mother f’n T-Rex.

My first question is, are you sure your child is actually a human and not a frog? What’s that all about? I mean if she hops like a frog and ribbits like a frog and eats flies, then maybe you gave birth to an X-Men. That’s pretty cool right?

Secondly, if said child is in fact truly human and not a frog, how can you be sure? So try this: 

• Ask her what colour her skin is. If she says green, then once again, she may truly be a frog.
• See if she can catch a fly with her tongue. If she has this skill, you may be screwed.
• Ask her if mommy and daddy are frogs? 

Actually, have you ever wondered if you and your hubby are frogs too? That’s an excellent thing to look into, check your lineage. 

And really, frogs are the coolest. From leopard frogs and their spots, and bullfrogs with their loud noises, and tree frogs. Oh my gosh tree frogs and their suction cups. When I was little I was obsessed with frogs. My dad is convinced that myself and my neighbour at the cottage may have been accidentally responsible for the disappearance of the frog population on our lake (we were great hunters). 

So, after my assessment, I’ve actually come to the conclusion, that you and your husband are not actually humans and that you are either frogs, or X-Men. And I feel so special that I got to talk to you because you’re a miracle. 

Wish you luck with accepting your reality. 

All the best!

The Non-Mom