This is the new section of The Non-Mom, where instead of providing unsolicited advice, I provide solicited (completely inexperienced) parenting advice. Once again, you’re welcome! Submit your own question at www.facebook.com/jentalkstoomuch

Dear Non-Mom,

Does giving your baby a ridiculous name that no one can pronounce or that is a type of fruit or vegetable have an effect on how they will express their individuality as an adult? Will it affect whether they will be a trendsetter or follower as an adolescent?  

Meghan, Tecumseh

Hi Meghan, Excellent, excellent question. There is nothing more important in life than individuality, amirite? When our parents opted to name us two of the most important names from 1981, they set us up for a life filled with normalcy. How were we supposed to become instagram stars and facebook celebs with names like Jen and Meghan? It’s just not possible. Luckily though, those 1990’s parents, they knew better. They knew that if they named their baby Brittany, they better spell it Britini. Because, uniqueness right?

This issue is very close to my heart, you see the year I was born, my parents were deciding between two names for me. My dad wanted Emily, and my mom wanted Naomi. Both great names. But if I would have been named either of those names I would have been drastically different than the Jennifer Lauren that I am. If I were Emily, I would have been preppy-er, and a lot cleaner. And if I were Naomi, I would have been much more of a hippy than I am, and instead of hating the smell of patchouli, I’d embrace it as if it came from my own pores. What’s that all about? Instead, my parents went with the two most common names from 1981 and I have been fighting being “basic” my entire life. It’s tough.

I assume, based on your letter, that you’ve already named your kids, and I bet that those names are you know, regular names. I’m so sorry for you. But I’m more sorry for your kids. That said, there are things you can do to help insure that they become a trendsetter vs. a follower. Here you go:

• Consider nicknaming your kid something so unique that it becomes their only name. Similar to when Madonna renamed herself Madonna, you could start calling your kid Spatula, no last name. Because when Spatula enters the room, everybody flips.
• Take them out of public school and put them into a private arts school that teaches lessons solely based on the weather that day.
• Let them legally rename themselves. Kids are super creative. I’m sure Captain OJ Marshmallow is a great name for a kid.

Hopefully, Meggy, your kids aren’t so old that their regular/common names will ruin their chance to be expressive unique individuals and that you’ve asked at time where it’s not too late to give them their individuality. One can only hope.

Good luck to you. My thoughts are with you.

Love,

The Non-Mom