On October 30, while many were trying to not die, in Maryland, two men (Marvin Lee Kingsbury and Charles Kent Bowers), decided to build a man made raft (like Noah) out of plywood and pool noodles, and attempted to float their way through Hurricane Sandy to Walmart. Yes my friends Walmart. ​What’s that all about? If you don’t believe me, which is completely understandable, the full story can be found on Huffington Post.

Anyway, apparently after they capsized, they had to cling for dear life to some trees and await rescuers. I know that you’re thinking – how could a boat that’s as sturdy as theirs capsize? It’s truly shocking. Really. Plywood and Pool Noodles are the perfect pair. One adds surface space for sitting, and the other, additional floatation. It’s brilliant.

Well, the kicker about this story is that the stupid Huckleberry Finn raft that they made wasn’t even the craziest part. Not even slightly.

When rescuers were calling out to Kingsbury, he could not respond because he was holding a baggy filled with his buddy’s (Bowers) cellphone in it and didn’t want to drop it. I mean really, your cellphone is pretty much an outward organ, so I understand his logic. To add to this, Kingsbury, once rescued, requested that a trooper go back in to the treacherous waters to rescue…wait for it, wait for it…his cooler because his own cellphone was trapped in it. Gosh, phones are important these days. The trooper “informed him that due to the raging waters and the danger they pose to anyone that ventures near them, no attempt would be made to locate his cooler.” WTF.

Ok, so I haven’t even told you the craziest part of this story. So, here it is: this Kingsberry guy is married. Married. Someone voluntarily chose to spend the rest of their life with an idiot who apparently hasn’t shown any regret for putting his life, his friends life, and the rescuers lives in jeopardy, makes boats of out scraps, and would actually want to float to Walmart. I mean, I go to that store when I have to, not for an adventure. Well, I guess that’s partly a lie. Going to Walmart is always an adventure.