There once was a time when being sick meant you could just hibernate in your bedroom in the fetal position until you were ready to take on the world. When you could stop and just take care of yourself and those closest to you like your husband or your mom would nurse you back to health. But, much like your wrinkle-free face, those days are gone, sister. Because baby.

In the last 10 months of my mat leave, I have been sick 3 times (what’s that all about?), and I had a bout of vertigo too. Luckily the first time two times I got sick, I happened to be visiting my parents so I had help. But not this time. This time I have been on my own because the Mr. works long days. And to make matters significantly worse, our poor girl is sick too. And let me tell you, that’s just heartbreaking. She’s never been sick before and I know it won’t be the last time, but I really wish it was.

So I’m trying to kick this sinus infection’s butt and protect my precious lungs – I call them precious for two reasons, 1) lungs are magical gross looking sponges that literally breathe life into you, and 2) I had pneumonia a few years back so I’m scared of any cough I develop. But I can’t just stop everything. I have a baby to keep alive and loved. I have actual responsibilities that don’t revolve around just me and my wellbeing because I’m a mom now and this is the life I chose.

So I get up at 5am (because that’s when a sick baby sleeps until), nurse her, pray she’ll go back to bed, she wont, change her bum, make and feed her breakfast, say goodbye to dad, make coffee, unload the dishwasher, clean up the remainder of last night’s kitchen mess, clean up breakfast, play with her, nurse her again, change her bum again, put her in her sleep sack, read her a book, sing her a song, put her down for a nap, take a shower, get dressed, grab the baby from her nap, change her bum and put on her clothes for the day which is more like a wrestling match, give her a snack, nurse her, play with her and go outside/for a walk, make her lunch, clean up lunch, play with her again, bum change wrestling match, nurse her, put her sleep sack on, read her a book, sing her a song, put her down for a nap, make baby food, do laundry, tidy kitchen, plan dinner, grab baby from nap, give her a snack, nurse her, play with her and go to the grocery store, make her dinner, clean up dinner, give her a bath because she’s a self-feeding monster, moisturize her, wrestle her into her PJ’s, give her a bottle, daddy comes home, change her bum one more time, nurse her, put her into her sleep sack, read her a book or two, sing her a song, put her down for the night. Pass out two hours later after having had dinner and a catch up. And like Groundhog Day, we’ll do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day.

Except because she’s sick, she also wakes up and needs cuddles once an hour for the first two hours. Then she wakes up crying around 1:40, and then up for the day at 5am. When she’s not sick she sleeps straight until 6/6:40. I miss those days.

Meanwhile I want my mommy and to watch The Never Ending Story on repeat and to not get out of bed until my face no longer hurts and my lungs can properly fill with air. But that’s not my life anymore. I’m not allowed to be sick. I’m a mom. So, instead of taking NyQuil (because nursing moms can’t take that shiz) and sleeping like I use to when I was sick, I have to function. Actually function. And it kind of f-ing sucks.

So to all the moms who are sick right now, have been sick and are going to get sick (that’s all of you), I feel you. I feel you.