So here’s the thing, as you probably know, I hated being pregnant. There were times when it was really magical, however it was so hard to see this through my raging and I mean raging hormones. Now that I haven’t been pregnant for over three months, I can finally look back at it a little bit clear headed and less ‘how you say’ emotional. Below is a week by week of what it’s like to be pregnant when you hate being pregnant.
Week 1: Yo guys, you’re not even actually pregnant week one. In fact, you’re the opposite of pregnant; you’re on your period.
Week 2: The start of this week is kinda slow, but don’t worry, because at the end of week two guess what time it is…IT’S BABY MAKING TIME. What’s that all about? Cue two tickets to sexytown and unsexy sex! Ie. “I’m fertile right now, take your pants off.”
Week 3: The start of this week you’re still having sex and holding your legs in the air to ensure that the spermies get to the eggy at the exact moment you ovulate. After that, you go back to not having sex for a while. Hashtag married life.
Week 4: AKA hormone city. Did that one glass of wine just give you a hangover? Yup. Did you just get major mad at your partner for no reason? Did you fall asleep at 7pm? You my friend are pregnant, but you don’t even know it.
Week 5: No period. This results in taking a dollar store pregnancy test that you already had in your cupboard. You tell your partner and neither of you actually believe it. Then you head to the drugstore to buy a test that literally says YES YOU’RE ACTUALLY PREGNANT. Ok, maybe it says just YES or just PREGNANT, but you get my drift.
Week 6: This is when you go to the doctor to confirm one more time by him or her that the pregnancy tests weren’t lying. This is also when the vials of blood start to be removed from your body.
Week 7: Did you just throw up a little? Don’t worry, it can get worse.
Week 8: Some people have their first heartbeat ultrasound. It’s just a flicker. It’s super cool
Week 9- 11: These weeks you’re just stressed about making it to the 12 week mark. Nothing major happens here except you really hone your ability to be dishonest and sneaky. Oh, and don’t take the garbage out unless you want to hurl.
Week 12: The dating ultrasound. This is when you have an ultrasound and instead of just a flickering light, it looks like there’s an actual giant headed alien inside of you. Many people tell their closest friends on their Facebook newsfeed that they are knocked up at this point. Some people go for genetic testing.
Week 13: Bask in the glory of people knowing that you’re with child and not just getting fat.
Week 14: If you had genetic testing, here’s when you find out if you’re having a boy or a girl and if everything is AOK with that baby of yours.
Week 15-19: Just standard pregnancy weeks. You’re probably less vomity by now. And you’re starting to look pregnant vs. looking thick.
Week 20: Anatomy scan. Boy, girl? 10 fingers and toes?
Week 21: Pregnancy starts to seem not so awful. Just kidding, you’re so tired. Check your Iron.
Week 22: You find out you’re becoming anemic because it just so happens that you’re not carrying a fetus, you’re really carrying a vampiric parasite.
Weeks 23-26: Bask in the rest of your 2nd trimester because it’s the best you’re going to feel. Especially because the little flutters and small kicks start to turn into belly moving kicks. Oh, you’re crying again? What are you crying for? (If you’re reading this post, take the 30 seconds and watch the below. It’s worth it, trust me.)
Week 27: Time to get the diabetes tested. And if you’re 0 negative get your first Rhogam shot. While the sugar concoction may look like Orange Kool Aid from your childhood, it’s really much much much much much worse.
Week 28: THIRD TRIMESTER! OMG you’re in the homestretch!!! OMG you’re in the homestretch? Yes my dear, you’re actually about to have a baby. Time to get off your butt and order that crib, you procrastinator.
Weeks 29-31: Sure you feel huge and maybe you are kinda huge, but let me tell you, you’re only going to get bigger. And for some of us, bigger than you thought possible.
Weeks 32-33: Hey baby, get off that sciatic nerve. Another ultrasound. I don’t know why this ultrasound happens now but it’s cool to look at her again. There you go, that’s a big roll over. Thanks baby.
Week 34: “When are you due? You look ready to pop.” You may imagine the slow death of the Home Depot employee who asked that. Celebrate that if your baby is born now they won’t need as much assistance and they should be OK. Put bag in car as a just in case.
Week 35: How many more weeks are left? Walking to the parking lot seems like a death sentence. Your partner may ask you if you need a nap after you cried over…wait what did you cry over? Oh yes, nothing. Take that nap.
Week 36: Yeah girl, you’re still pregnant. Time for an ultrasound to see what’s up with that peanut. If you’re really Iron deficient this is when you start to have weekly Iron drips. Gets you nice and used to IV’s.
Week 37: Now it’s time for weekly appointments and if you aren’t having a scheduled cesarean scheduled examinations. I hear they’re not that pleasant. Your baby is also fully cooked. Stop work if you can. Take your last me time you’re ever going to have.
Week 39: Ok, room is clean, floors are mopped, baby’s room is set up; this baby can come any day now. (If you’re having a scheduled section, this would be the week that your babe comes…it’s amazing BTW.)
Week 40: Any day now.
Week 41: ANY DAY NOW! Oh God…it’s today.
Congrats girl, you made a human. Now is when the hardest and best parts start to happen. It’s honestly the worst and yet the absolute best thing that will ever happen to you ever. Babies are in 90’s lingo, the bomb. Especially mine. She’s dreamy.