As I go through this Non-Mom adventure, I realize that as I age, I’m closer to actually dissolving my position as the Non-Mom and become the Non-Mom-Mom. Which, if said loudly and quickly, sounds similar to the noises people make as they eat and also a little like how Animal talks.
Because of this realization, I know that when said day comes, I need to try my best to stick to all my unsolicited advice that I have as The Non-Mom. I can’t just break my brand just because I squeezed a watermelon out of my vagina now can I? From what I hear, being a mom truly changes you. But does it have to change the essence of you? I sure hope not. Because of this, I am going to make some solemn vows to myself for when I enter the terrifying phase of my life called “motherhood.” NOTE: this idea came from me while at a good friend’s wedding this weekend. While her now husband was vowing to take down all their enemies, I had an epiphanic moment. It was glorious. What’s that all about? Yes, the literal translation is that Jesus appeared to me, but we all know that didn’t happen, however, I immaculately conceived this idea which is pretty rad.
So without further ado, I vow:
- I vow to not make every conversation baby centric.
- Provided my future not yet conceived baby is born healthy, I vow to go on an overnight holiday with my husband within the first three months. AND, to also go on at least one weekend/week vacation without the baby in the first year.
- I promise to put my marriage first. A healthy marriage makes a happy home.
- I will keep up my hobbies.
- I will always always write and put words together that make people laugh, or at least nod and think “that was kind of funny”
- I will not get mad when babies are not invited to things.
- I will shower as often as I can. Which may not be enough pre-baby, so this will take some effort.
- I will date myself. Yes, I will get my hair done, nails done and make sure I feel pretty.
- I will maintain my sense of style. Just because I have a baby doesn’t mean that sweatpants will be my outfit of choice.
- I will brush my hair as often as possible. Once again, this isn’t a regular item pre-baby, so I’ll really need to work on it.
- I vow to be stern with my kids. Wild children are my nightmare. I mean, I want them to be outside all the time, err – most of the time. However, when I tell them to do something, they will know I’m the boss. Like how at 34, I still do what my mother tells me to.
- My kids will not go on play dates. They will ‘hang out.’
- I vow to send my kids to camp every summer once they are old enough. Hello, mommy and daddy time!!!
- I will put myself first sometimes. I will put my husband first sometimes. I will put the kids first sometimes.
- I will let you hold the baby.
- I will try to keep them alive as best I can.
- I vow to introduce peanuts right away!
- I will dance and play with them whenever possible.
- I will not be silent at night time. They need to learn to sleep through anything!!
- I will have them sleep at other peoples houses as soon as possible so that they an literally sleep anywhere and through anything.
- I will breastfeed as long as possible, but will also start the bottle right away. I will not get house bound.
- I will not be hard on myself. You learn as you go while you parent, so mistakes happen. No need to punish yourself for it. Am I right?
- My husband will share all baby responsibilities as I will 100% resent him if I’m doing everything. I can’t put our marriage first if I’m hating him under my breath.
- I will try not to yell.
- I will celebrate when they get their play clothes dirty.
- I will sing with them all the time.
- I will maintain my mental health to ensure that I am the best mom I can be.
- They will eat what I put out for them. Enough with choices.
- I will only invite immediate family to birthdays for the first few years.
- I will love them with all my heart.
- I will love my husband with all my heart.
- I will love myself with all my heart.
So, when the terrifying day comes and I am blessed(?) with a child, I hope to look at these vows and stick to my guns and be the mom I hope to be. And, if after a year, I look at this and I haven’t? I won’t be hard on myself because mom-ing is hard.