When I was young, I used to joke about how I would love being pregnant as long as I didn’t have to have a baby at the end. I joked about how eating for two would be awesome and since I rub my belly all the time anyway, I’d be a natural. However, as I’ve aged and more and more and more of my friends have had babies, my fear of this process has grown substantially. What’s that all about? While on the outside I look 25 (ok 28, fine I look my age you jerks) on the inside, my body is definitely 34 (at least). And because the whole factor of “infertility risks” increases as each year progresses, I figure if I’m going to start this process, I’m going to have to start it soon. God help me. So aside from the biggest fear of pregnancy being that at the end of it you’re responsible for a fragile human being, below are a lists of reasons why getting pregnant scares the shit out of me. (I’m sorry for swearing, but that’s just how scared I am).
- Having the world judge me every time I step outside my home. If I want a half a glass of wine, people will stare. If I order a coffee people will stare. If I want a penne a la vodka for some reason, people will think that I’m terrible – even though all of the alcohol has burned off, and coffee is proven fine for pregnant bitches, and europeans drink wine the entire time they are pregnant. Don’t even get me started on sushi and sandwich meat. MODERATION PEOPLE.
- Stretch-marks. I got stretch-marks just from aging from 12-13. My skin is thin. I don’t want tiger stripes. I know there’s nothing wrong with them, but that doesn’t make we want them. I have enough on my hips to last me a life time.
- Losing my wonderful breasts. I hear that even if you don’t breastfeed, that they will still never be the same and this saddens me.
- Giving up girls nights that result in a hangover. I know you can have fun without booze, but I also know that it is really really fun to get tipsy with your ladies.
- Peeing myself.
- What if I tear so badly that I lose feeling in one of my favourite regions?
- A girlfriend of mine is at the end of her pregnancy and having hip problems. The poor girl is in pain. Before she was pregnant she had no hip problems. NEWS FLASH after 10 years of figure skating, 13 years of soccer, 7+3 years of dance, I have hip problems. Oh what a world. What am I going to do?
- Morning sickness. Do you know how much of a baby I am? I do not cope with being sick well at all.
- The thought that they will eat and poop inside of me.
- The fact that they grow hair on their heads and when they come out their hair is covered in repulsive goo.
- Farting in public. If I combine my IBS with being pregnant, this will not be good. Pregnant ladies toot all the time. Unwillingly.
- My innie becoming an outie. This frightens me.
- Having my entire life never be the same.
However, even with all of the above fears (all clearly rational), at the end of the day, if I ever am lucky enough to get pregnant, I’ll get to feel a life growing inside of me. I’ll have the chance to raise a child of our own and introduce them to musicals as early as possible. I’ll always get a seat on the subway. I’ll learn a new level of love that I haven’t experienced yet. I’ll finally have my mini-me and world domination could start to commence. And, I’ll birth a person who will love me no matter what, provided I don’t give birth to a sociopath – which is possible – oh god. Oh and, most likely my blog will finally truly take off because Mommy Blogs are the hottest.