As an active Vice reader, I came across a study that they featured from the Demography journal where they suggested that being a new parent is the absolute worst. Verbatim. Just kidding. That’s more of a paraphrase. Or as how Vice put it “The study blames a ‘drop in well-being surrounding first birth,’ also known as ‘unhappiness.’ Which is sad and yet hilarious all at once. What’s that all about?
So let’s think about this. I mean obviously being a parent is the best thing that could ever happen to you, blah blah blah. But let’s also be honest, there are some shitty things (get it) that go along with being a new parent.
- First things first, when you become a first time baby owner most likely, you spent the last 9 months of your life super stressed out. And you couldn’t even have a night of reckless drinking to blow off steam. WTF. And for the partners not carrying the child and or parents who had their baby through alternative ways (adoption, surrogacy, cabbage patches), you also spent the entire time stressed out and worried about the person carrying your baby.
- The main things that keep people sane are as followed: SLEEP, sex, and downtime. When you have a baby, there’s no such thing as sleep, sex – do you even remember what that is? And downtime? Downtime is for childless people.
- Cleaning up poop is maybe the worst thing on earth. And not only do you have to clean up poop, but it’s human poop which is extra gross, and it’s all the time. AND, sometimes those buggers poop so much that it goes up their backs, gets on your walls, and after you think you’ve cleaned it all up, you wipe your forehead, and streak diarrhea all over your face. The. Worst.
- Vomit in your hair.
- Time management no longer exists, and now you are late to everything, which sucks big time. Being late is so so so so stressful.
- You’re lacking sleep and maybe battling post-partum depression, emotions are on high, and when emotions are on high things escalate. Like big time escalate!
- Oh, you want to put yourself first? Or your partner first? Or your relationship first? Good luck with that.
So there you have it, in some ways being a new parent is in fact the worst thing that could ever happen to you ever.
BUT (I knew you’re waiting for it), it also seems pretty darn magical. I mean, you made a person. A real life person. And this person loves you. And this person laughs for the first time, and smells amazing except when they smell like number 3 (see above). So even though, it’s a crappy time, it’s probably the best crappy time you’re ever going to have.