This is the new section of The Non-Mom, where instead of providing unsolicited advice, I provide solicited (completely inexperienced) parenting advice. Once again, you’re welcome! Submit your own question at www.facebook.com/jentalkstoomuch
Now that my babies are a bit older, I’d like to get out and socialize with humans over the age of three. What do you suggest for a good time as I haven’t been out since mesh-back hats and board shorts were appropriate bar attire (kidding, kinda, I only did that once)?
Hey Lindsay! Awesome question! There are a few things that have changed since the mesh-back hat. Firstly, somehow board shorts are no longer socially acceptable night club wear. I’m not sure when or how that happened, but it was truly devastating. Secondly, you’re going to have to learn the ins and outs of the modern day adult conversation all over again.
So, here we go. As adults don’t bite each other except when fighting, or sexually, you no longer need to say “don’t bite your brother” to your grownup adult friends. They already know.
Also, while wearing a stained shirt around the house is fine because the kiddos barf/poop and spill all over you all day, you want to ensure that when you leave the house for grownup girl bonding time, that you leave with a clean shirt on. I realize that it’s been a while since you’ve had more than one cocktail (meaning that inevitably at some point while you are out you will spill on yourself), but you at least want to start fresh.
When your friends do something good, like order their meal, you don’t need to give them encouragement. What’s that all about? I know you want to tell them how big of a girl they are, but don’t worry, you can save your words.
Now, that I’ve gone over some basic tips, here are some things that people do when there are no babies around:
- They talk about their baby. For hours. Since you should have lots of material from spending most of your time with mini-monsters, you should have great material for this.
- Grab a girlfriend and go get a pedicure. This time, make sure to NOT talk about babies, and only talk about celebrities. Which in many cases act like babies, so you’ll be ok with talking points once again.
- Wine. Oh the wine. Drink red wine, white wine, sparkling wine, wine spritzers, wine sangria…WINE!!!
- Go to dinner at a very late hour (around 9pm) somewhere expensive to guarantee a child free environment. If you hear someone crying, it was probably the wine, and not the child whine.
- Go on a spa day with your hubby. Get a sitter and totally splurge. Couples massage, facials, mani/pedi’s lunch and again wine. Then go to a hotel with soft egyptian sheets and do it like you used to before you had babies. Your marriage will thank you for it. After you do it, then go for dinner. Sex after dinner is always tricky because you don’t know how full you’re going to be or if it will agree with you. So I suggest always before dinner, and if you get lucky, again after dinner.
Um, I think that’s it. I tried to think of what my child-free self does, and really it’s not that much. Just less time telling people to “put that down” and “get that out of your mouth.”
Good luck Lindsay. I know civilization has missed you.