Oh hello there! Welcome to a new section of The Non-Mom, where instead of providing unsolicited advice, I provide solicited (completely inexperienced) parenting advice. Once again, you’re welcome! For this series, all you have to do is submit your question, and hopefully I’ll get to it and provide you with totally genius tips for rearing your child. So here we go, my first question comes from Trina in Barrie.
My 3.5 month old has decided that waking up every hour during the night is a good mommy/baby bonding time. While I love my child, I love my sleep more…yes, you heard me right….More…so my question is what advice would you give this tired, annoyed, frustrated, disheveled mom for getting her baby to sleep. – Trina, Barrie
This, my friend, is an excellent question. Because I’m not sure if you know this about me, but sleep is truly my best friend. I choose sleep over many other activities on the regular. It helps keep me sane and it helps me to cry less. I say less because I cry lots, but I cry significantly more when I’m overtired.
First things first Trina, if this were the 80’s I’d tell you to give that baby some whiskey, but since it’s not and apparently that’s “not good for baby”, I’m going to have to start somewhere else. Although, I will tell you this that most of us seemed to make it through whiskey-and-hot-toddy parenting style just fine. It truly was an amazing era.
Ok, have you tried that weird technique that just went around facebook where you lightly brush a towel against their face in a downward stroke until they fall asleep? In the video that baby fell asleep in 60 seconds. And if something works once on one baby, that means it’s tried and true, correct?
What about playing Enya at a super low volume level? I know that put me right to sleep when I was in high school. Probably because it was boring and stimulating all at once.
Have you hired a nanny yet? I hear nannies are great!
Maybe sit the baby down and have a rational discussion about how important it is that mommy gets her sleep. Oh, that won’t work? What’s that all about? I guess you’re right, babies don’t really understand anything yet other than that booby means dinner and mommy means snuggles.
Is it safe to sleep through the crying? You know, let them cry it out? I really have no idea when or even if that’s a safe thing to do. I don’t want anything bad to happen, so maybe pretend I never said this.
What about feeding your baby so much before bed that she doesn’t get hungry until 7:30am? Oh, that doesn’t work? That just means more poopy diapers in the middle of the night? Shoot, maybe don’t do that.
OK OK I got it: pull a Zack Morris and make a tape and underneath it play a message about “go to sleep little baby” “leave mommy alone little baby” “night time is for bedtime little baby”. Then like how all the girls in Bayside fell in love with Zack because of subliminal messaging, your baby will sleep through the night. Problem solved.
See, parenting isn’t that hard. And when I say “isn’t that hard” I mean the exact opposite. It’s very hard, and please know that you’re doing a great job Trina! Each day, if you’ve done all you can to keep the baby alive and healthy then you’re doing a wonderful job. You got this girlfriend!