Hey, hey, y’all. It’s your favourite Non-Mom here and I’m ready to dish out some very important advice. Seems like no matter where you look everyone is giving his or her expert opinions on the best way to raise your baby. So, to contradict this below are my non-expert tips on how to raise a baby into a not-so-terrible two-year-old. Once again, you’re welcome.
- Don’t shake the baby. Hold the baby delicately and remember that their current skull is very similar to Humpty Dumpty.
- Breast is best.
- F-that. Bottle is best.
- Just make sure you feed the baby. If you feed the baby, it’s less likely to die and your job right now is to try your hardest to make sure that doesn’t happen.
- Detachment parenting.
- I mean attachment parenting.
- Actually, I don’t even know what that means. Love your baby. That should work.
- Put clothes on the baby.
- Embrace nudity.
- Just make sure that the baby is as comfy as you can and I think you got this.
- Use one of those babywrappy things always.
- Use a stroller.
- Use your hands. Just make sure that when you move your baby from one room to the other, you don’t use a rolling pin method. What’s that all about? Either: your arms, babywrappy thing, or a stroller will work.
- Give your baby peanut butter, honey, and eggs at some point before it’s too late. I don’t know when that time is; however, let’s try minimize the anaphylactic adults around us please. I really like having peanut butter at work.
- Vaccinate. I’m not going to contradict this one. There is no need for a mumps, typhoid, polio, whatever outbreak.
- Cereal is a thing. Give it to them when you’re supposed to.
The way I see it, for a baby you have three main jobs: feed it, love it, and try to not kill it. And if you’re doing all of these things no matter if you breast feed, bottle feed, attach or whatever, you’re doing a great job. Keep up the good work.