Oh hello everyone! Welcome to my second iteration of the Non-Mom’s Advice to Moms, where I dish out unsolicited and inexperienced advice to parents. Once again, you’re welcome.
NOTE: Friends, I don’t know if any of you have what I’m about to write about, and I warn you that if you do, I’m going to offend you. However, I’m not going to apologize for what I’m writing. Because I mean it. I will note that even if you do do this terrible, awful, tacky, tacky thing, I love you, even though I am 100% judging you. Smiley face.
Today’s advice has to do with your vehicle. In particular, those god-awful, wretched and horrifying stick figure families. What’s that all about? I mean, I can’t understand why anyone would ever want to put such hideous decals on their vehicle. It’s like ‘hey, I want to be a stereotype. How can I achieve this? OH I KNOW, I’ll put a f-ing stick figure family on my car so everyone knows that I have a family!!!!’
Yes, barf. I know that you’re probably thinking that I’m just a cynical city woman with no kids, which is accurate, but I swear to you, even if I wasn’t a cynical cityot, I would still rather drive around in a custom painted light pink and purple minivan then have those Stickies hanging out on my car. Well, actually that’s pretty barfy too. I wouldn’t want any of it. The thing is when I see those stickers a plethora of horrible thoughts come into my mind, like thought vomit, I just can’t stop it. I think things like:
- Well, that couple stopped having sex years ago.
- The wife probably secretly arranged to have her husbands balls cut off during his vasectomy.
- I bet they can no longer see their own genitals.
- I get it, you think your kid will make it to the ‘show’. Not gonna happen.
- I bet they own t-shirts that say ‘I give up’.
Really, the list of awful things I think can be much worse and much longer than what I put above. In fact, my judgements vary based on the type of vehicle that they are driving as well (minivan or SUV). Depending on the day, I can’t decide which is worse. See, there I go again, judging. I’m sorry about that one. I know that strollers and the mountains of shit children need when they go from a-b take up a lot of space and that larger cars are a necessity.
I know this is terrible, but it’s true. Those families offend me. Actually offend me. They are almost as offensive as when someone says to a non-mom, ‘Oh honey, when you have kids, you’ll understand’. Kill me.
Anyway, that’s it for today.
Sincerely, your favourite (errr, maybe least favourite after today) Non-Mom,
Jen Talks Too Much
Ps. I hope you forgive me and come to your senses about those damn stickers soon. LOVE YOU!