Yes ladies and gents, I have finally figured out the best three ways to loose those extra 5-20lbs that we all struggle with. Phew. After some soul searching and brain busting, below is the magical list that will solve all your weight problems. You’re welcome.
1) Get dumped. Yes my friends, you heard me. What better way to drop some extra lbs, then to have your heart torn out rendering you appetite free? I mean besides a few spoons of ice cream, everything else tastes like metal, which again, causes you to eat less. Win. Win.
2) Trick someone into marrying you. (This one is more for the ladies). Not much helps speed up a girls weight loss goal better than the thought of a white dress. Excessive exercise and starvation – here we come!
3) Get the stomach flu/food poisoning. In the words of Emily Blunt in the Devil Wears Prada ‘I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight’. Right? This is perfect. No matter what you eat it doesn’t stay in you. Perfect. Best of both worlds.
Bonus tip: Get pregnant just so you can breast feed.
What’s that all about? Terribleness that’s what. What’s sad is I’ve caught myself saying all those things before. For example, ‘one good thing about a break-up is how skinny you feel after,’ and ‘there’s no better diet than the pressure of a wedding,’ or ‘that stomach flu was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but look at how my dress fits!’ Jeesh. WTF is wrong with me?
Lesson: just be happy who you are and if you want to drop some extra lbs maybe go for a walk and assess what food you’ve been ingesting.