I’m white. I know you’re all shocked, but it’s true. I’m white. My father is of English and Scottish decent, and my mother is Finnish and Hungarian. So, pretty much, I’m as white as you can get. To top it all off, I’m pale. I’m so pale that in the winter my skin turns a blueish tint. In fact, I may even be the whitest person on earth without freckles that isn’t albino. I haven’t tested this theory, but I’m pretty sure it’s true.

So, why am I telling you about my porcelain skin? Because for some reason, my paleness is always seems to be a topic of conversation with my pigment-ly-blessed friends. What’s that all about? Comments like ‘you need to get some sun’ or ‘whoa you’re blinding me with your snow-sticks (which means my legs)’ are typical conversation starters at BBQ’s and pool parties that I attend.

What perturbs me is that my paleness appears to be appalling to my fellow tanned friends. It’s as if they can’t understand why I haven’t yet sat in the sun. Number 1, I have a 9-5 desk job and Number 2, I’ve been in the sun. I don’t even always wear sunscreen (I’m scared of the chemicals) AND I actually have tan lines. It’s true, you don’t even need a magnifying glass to see them. It’s just that when a blue white person goes in the sun, they turn a shade of cream white, or eggshell white. And while I think I look super awesome with my dark glow, you look at me and still see Casper’s cousin. Insert sad face.

So, I’m sorry dear friends, but this is how the big man upstairs made me (even though I’m a spitting image of my mom who has a nice olive tan to her…whatever, not that I’m complaining). Plus, in many cultures around the world and historically everywhere, paleness has been embraced and even encouraged.

And with that, I’m going to say this loudly and proudly…I’M PROUD OF MY PALENESS. I’m going to keep wearing short shorts, blinding you with my white legs and I’m not going to rub ‘self tanning scary chemicals’ all over my body just so I can look Californian when I live in the great white north.

Yes, I’m going to lie in the sun on the long weekend soaking up some good ole vitamin D, but after all the hours I’ll have spent in the sun and when I’m still looking like My Fair Lady, I’m not going to feel sad about it. This is just who I am, the whitest person on earth without freckles that isn’t albino.