Did you know that when a baby is in a tub, they turn into slippery objects, who at any moment could die in your own hands? DID YOU KNOW THIS? I didn’t. Bathing a baby is terrifying.
This past weekend, I ‘partially’ bathed my nephew for the first time ever. Actually, in my 30 years, I can honestly say that up until Friday night April 13, 2012, I had never bathed a child. So when my sister-in-law asked me (a.k.a Sil) I told her that I would absolutely love to bathe him and I meant it when I said it. I mean, I love him. Look at that face!
Little did I know, that it would be one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. Looking back I should have figured it would be. Every time I hold him, I picture myself tripping, dropping him, and then landing on top of him or worse he slips out of my hands he goes flying into the middle of the street. The worst is when I walk down stairs with him on my hip…the graphic, terrible things that could happen to him because of me and my clumsiness.
As you can see, I’ve grown-up to become one of those Cityots who’s going to wait…forever to have children. One of those Cityots who doesn’t spend much time with little ones (except when I leave the city) and really, when it comes down to it, doesn’t have a clue about what to do with a child, let alone a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do love them, from a distance, for the most part. It’s just that I can’t quite figure them out. They are like little aliens. Cute little aliens, but aliens none-the-less.
Anyway, as I attempted to bathe my dear, sweet, cute-as-a-button alien (I mean nephew), he started sliding around the tub. It was out of control. He was sliding around like if I put lubricant on one of those hot dog toys we use to buy at the It Store.
How come no one told me that he would turn into a slippery torpedo? What’s that all about? Sil thought nothing of it. She just man handled the crap out of him and he didn’t seem like he was going to die when she was doing the washing. However, when I had him, he was all over the place. In fact, I had to quit after I washed his hair because I couldn’t handle the pressure (this is why I said ‘partially’ in the beginning). It was insane. Honestly, I give kudos to all the parents out there. Raising and rearing a child has to be one of the scariest things that anyone could ever do. That child’s life is literally in your hands, and then on top of it, you have to watch your own behaviour because the little aliens are like sponges that soak up your personality traits.
I guess you can tell that clearly I have a lot of growing up to do before I start planning on roasting any turkeys.